Saturday, December 27, 2008

Ten New Years Resolutions the Rest of You Can Use

'Tis the season for Top Ten New Years resolutions.

Like any of us are going to follow them. Sure, we'll do ok through maybe January 5th, but after that, it's back to our bad old ways.

So, to help, here are some stupid and silly New Years resolutions for 2009 that won't hurt anything if you break them. In fact, some of them, you should.

1. You know the way you are? Don't be that way!

Perhaps the greatest advice ever given from one TV character to another, Lou Grant said this to Ted Baxter when Ted was about to be married on the Mary Tyler Moore Show back in the 1970s. Are you a smoker? Don't be that way. Are you depressed? Don't be that way. Are you a jerk? Don't be that way. Simple.

2. Don't be such a dork.

This resolution is related to #1 but more specific. If you're reading this list, you're probably a dork. A non-dork wouldn't be reading this list. So don't be a dork.

3. Get off your fat butt.

You know you need to exercise more. Get off the freakin' couch and walk around the block or something. That's free, don't even need to pay money for a health club.

4. Develop your inner edit button.

Don't say the first stupid or hurtful thing that pops into your head. Find your inner edit button. Then use it.

5. Get off your fat butt and go help someone.

Your life probably isn't all that darn bad. There are other people who do have bad lives and could use your help. So go help them. Be useful to others for once.

6. Don't love things that don't love you back.

All wound up because your favorite sports team stinks this season? Guess what: your favorite sports teams or players don't love you. They can't and won't love you back. So like them; just don't love them. Same goes for a lot of other things in your life. Love your kids, your spouse, your family, even your dog. They'll love you back.

7. Change happens. Deal with it.

Everyone says they want and like change. False. We really don't. And you really probably don't. Life in the 21st Century is full of changes--good changes and bad changes. Changes come real soon and make us women and men, as John Cougar Mellencamp sang. So suck it up and be a man or woman and deal with changes in your life.

8. Get off your fat butt and figure out ways to use less energy.

If four and five dollar a gallon gasoline last summer didn't get your attention, you really are a dork. See #2. Drive less. Ride your bike. Take public transportation. Get those goofy curly-cue lightbulbs that use less energy. Buy a canvas shopping bag instead of using the plastic ones. Help Mother Earth. She needs us right now.

9. Get off your fat butt and be a good citizen.

Not registered to vote? Register. Don't vote? Vote. Ticked off about a government program or project? Go to the meeting and discuss it. Don't be a dork (see #2) and complain about change (see #7) but do nothing to change the result.

10. Every day, once a day, do something nice for yourself.

The second best piece of advice one TV character gave another was when Special Agent Dale Cooper on Twin Peaks waxed poetic: Once a day, every day, do something nice for yourself.
Maybe it's a cat nap at your desk. Or maybe it's just a darn fine cup of coffee. Even though you may be a dork (see #2) and need to not be the way you are (see #1) be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack.

Follow these top ten 2009 resolutions and you'll have a better 2009--or at least a more interesting one. Good luck, fellow babies!

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